Stress, feelings, emotions, and coping

Supportive relationships

It helps to have someone to talk to, whether one-on-one or in a support group. Meeting with others can give you support, help you recognize feelings, understand the underlying causes of your problems, and find solutions to problems. There is no substitute for talking to somebody.

Being supportive

Being supportive to someone is very different from trying to rescue him. Rescuing is a very draining activity. Rescuing means:

Doing something for others that they can reasonably do for themselves
Assuming you know what the other person wants or needs
Not doing something because of its assumed effect, such as not saying something because you assume the other person cannot handle it
Doing something for someone that you really don't want to do

How to be supportive without rescuing

Ask the person what he wants and doesn't want
Be clear about what you want to do and what you don't want to do
Be clear about what you are capable of doing and what you are not capable of doing
Negotiate with the other person about what you will and what you will not do
Acknowledge that you may have an investment in rescuing others -- and find out why

When someone shares something that scares you

When you are giving support and someone shares something you don't know how to deal with, ask yourself the following questions:

"Is this situation challenging my boundaries? Can I handle this?"
"Can I put aside my fears and listen non-judgmentally?"
"Do I need additional assistance in order to be supportive to this person?"
"What can I do? What can't I do? What are my limits?"

If you feel you need additional assistance be honest with your friend, get his permission, and contact someone you know who is versed in the subject. Hopefully you can find someone supportive who shares your friend's values. Someone with lived experience, compassion, and understanding can often help in times when a clinician would do more harm.

If you feel you can continue in a support role, here are some tips:

Actively listen, with as little interruption as possible, to the person's entire story
Take care not to place personal judgment between you and the person's experience. He is the expert and he is informing you
Ask for permission throughout: for clarification, for further understanding, to offer suggestions, etc.
Seek a mutual place of calm. This will allow you to support the person as he determines his next actions

Remember to check in with yourself and practice self-care, as well. Offering support in a traumatic situation can be traumatizing for yourself. Do not consider yourself a failure to your friend if he seeks additional support; you can't do everything alone.

When someone shares that he wants to kill himself

Don't assume that someone you know intends to kill himself just because he is being reckless, cutting himself, or in an altered state. However, as the 10th leading cause of death in the US, suicide is an issue many Americans will encounter in their lives. Suicide survivors have attributed their suicidal state to factors including trauma, depression, hopelessness, isolation, sleeplessness, and stress. A significant and growing cause of suicide is adverse reactions to antidepressants.

Personal support is essential when someone is experiencing a suicidal state; if someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, you can help just by caring and listening without judgment. Do not belittle what the person says or tell him that things aren't as bad as he thinks they are; this may often only make him feel that he is "crazy" for making a big deal out of nothing and alienate him from future support.

Express respect, confidence, and trust in the person. Only touch at his initiation. Help him brainstorm ideas for a safety plan on his time -- don't take over and plan for him. Focus on safety and the short-term, and do what you realisticly can do to help the person achieve his safety plan. This might include helping him get food and eat, helping him get to a place where he feels safe and can get some sleep, helping him get safely to a hospital or a detox facility, helping him drink a lot of water, or listening for a long time.

If it is realistic, make a plan to check in: "I'm concerned about you, Sammy. Would it be ok if I give you a call tomorrow to see how you're doing?\" Be clear about your limits -- Can you promise to call tomorrow? Can you take him out to lunch tomorrow? Only offer what you are willing and able to give. Broken promises alienate people.

If you disapprove of choices he continues to make, think about how to express concern -- to withold judgment without witholding your care and concern. If you need additional assistance, remember to be honest. Get his permission before you contact anyone for further support for him. You can always get further support for yourself, with or without his permission, as long as you maintain his anonymity and confidentiality.

HALT and grounding

Groups of survivors of psychiatric abuse (like the Freedom Center) have discovered that most psychosis is caused by prolonged lack of sleep. 12 Step recovery groups have discovered that most relapses are the result of being too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (HALT). Check in during hard times with your own body or with your friend. What can you do to make sleep more possible? Can you get a bunch of water and some food that helps you or your friend feel better? Would it be cool to just hang out in the room for a while with him? Do you just want to talk about what you're pissed about and get it off your chest? Free yourself.

Grounding is a way to detatch from emotional pain. You can also think of it as centering, a safe place, or looking outward. The point is to get free from feeling too much (overwhelming emotions or memories) or too little (numbing and dissociation). In grounding, you attain balance between the two -- conscious of your body and the world around you and able to tolerate it. Here's some ways some people ground:

Use humor: Think of something funny to jolt yourself out of your mood
Repeat a favorite saying to yourself over and over again (like the Serenity Prayer)
Run cool or warm water over your hands
Carry a grounding object in your pocket: a small object (a small rock, clay, ring, piece of cloth or yarn) that you can touch when you feel fucked up
Stretch: extend your fingers, arms or legs as far as you can; roll your head around
Focus on your breathing, noticing each inhale and exhale
Picture people you care about; look at photographs of them if you have any
Remember a safe place or a place you find very soothing: focus on everything about that place -- the sounds, colors, shapes, objects, textures
Think of things you are looking forward to in the next week

Asking for support

Learning to ask for support can feel very awkward -- especially at first, and especially for caregivers. But learning how to ask for support makes you stronger and better able to support other people in the long term. Often people put off reaching out for support until things are really bad, and then reach out impulsively. At that point they may just want bad feelings to stop immediately, but the people they reach out to may not be prepared to respond appropriately.

You can ask for support at any time -- before, during, or after a hard time. Here are some suggestions to help with asking for support:

In learning to ask for support, start small: practice on safe people, with simple requests
Prepare how you will handle it if the person or community resource refuses your request for support
In asking for support, you don't have to "spill" everything
When asking for support, be gentle -- no demands, threats, or insults
Carry on your person (for instance, in your wallet) a list of phone numbers you can call -- even if you have a cell phone

Resources

NYC Peer Support Warmline: 1-877-HELP 800 (1-877-435-7800) m-f 8a-8p; Georgia Peer Support Warmline (24/7): 1-888 945-1414; Cincinnati Peer Support Warmline (24/7): 513 931-WARM (513 931-9276)
Veterans and military families confidential peer-support warmline (24/7): 1-877 WAR-VETS (1-877-927-8387)
National GLBT Hotline for questions or problems (M-F 4p-12a, Sat 12p-5p): 1-888 843-4564, glnh\@GLBTNationalHelpCenter.org
1-800-621-HOPE (4673) --- HRA domestic violence help line (m-f 9a-5p)
1-800 799-7233 -- National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7)
(212) 647-1680 -- Alcoholics Anonymous New York Intergroup -- www.nyintergroup.org
(718) 851-3039 -- AA Brooklyn Intergroup -- www.brooklynintergroup.org
(212) 929-6262 -- NA New York Region (Manhattan) -- www.newyorkna.org
(718) 962-6244 -- NA Western Queens Area (Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx) -- www.westernqueensna.org
Third Root Community Health Center: 718 940-9343 (380 Marlborough Road Brooklyn) sliding scale yoga, acupuncture, massage, herbal and nutritional consults; call or email for appointment (appointments\@thirdroot.org -- please include your phone number when you email)
Rock Dove Collective: www.rockdovecollective.org (network of NYC health practitioners who provide physical, mental, sexual, emotional, social and spiritual care -- including acupuncture, massage, mental health services, internal medicine, dentistry, and prenatal care; many services available for mutual aid or money)
1-800-LIFENET (1-800-543-3638) (within NYC) for 24/7 referral to closest mental health mobile crisis team or substance abuse treatment services -- LIFENET has authorized linkages with the 23 mobile crisis teams and Emergency Medical Services (EMS). Use instead of 911 for mental health or substance abuse emergency
Charity Care (to get hospital care covered -- with NY address): 212 342-5300
311: Find food pantries, soup kitchens, food stamp offices, fuel assistance programs, places where you can do your laundry for free, medicare/medicaid enrollment centers, what hospital your friend who just got picked up by an ambulance ended up at -- basically everything you want except good dumpsters and true love

Planning for support

When things are going well, plan how to maintain personal wellness and what you will do when hard times come. Personal wellness planning is an organized way to prepare to take care of essentials every day, recognize early warning signs when they occur, and have a plan. You can share your plan with people you trust. Ask them if they can be available to offer the kind of support you want when you need it most. That way they will be prepared to take what you got coming, and you will know what exactly they are willing to offer in support.

A useful resource you can use to do personal wellness planning:

The SAMHSA guide called Action Planning for Prevention and Recovery, available at no cost (free shit and mail for your 30-day trail at the same time!) by calling 1-800-789-2647 or online at www.samhsa.gov

Other methods of wellness planning are also very good -- you can alter a method that already exists, or even make up your own. Whatever method you choose, personal wellness planning is essential to personal mental/emotional recovery and support work in prolonged, high-stress, resource-poor environments.

Tips and tactics for dealing with violence in your squat

It is a good idea to lay down the law and make sure everybody agrees when you write the house rules, and to make sure that everybody who enters the squat is introduced to them when they first come in and is willing to help uphold them. When shit goes down, work together and have each other's backs to set clear boundaries with enforcable consequences. If someone is upset, ask them to go be pissed off outside of the immediate space. Maybe go hang out with them and help them figure out how to channel their anger in a direction that will actually improve the situation that is pissing them off.

If the mad or violent person has a crew who will help her escalate the situation, somebody should talk down her crew and get them to stand aside and honor the house rules. Somebody else should be like an "anti-violence negotiator" (take lead on the violence intervention work and stick with the person until the situation is resolved). Several people should be standing by but not intervening unless the anti-violence negotiator asks them to step up and make something happen.

Notice the difference between people who are incoherent/on drugs (need to be held in love) and people who want to do violence (need de-escalation). Use immediate risk assessment and weigh out the situation. Is someone intoxicated? Does she have weapons? We're told that we need to use violence more than we do. Risk assessment helps to check that.

What are moments of escalation?

If you are the person who is talking someone down, have a clear sense in your mind: I'm not going to escalate (do X) until Y happens. Have clear tiers. There is a very long spectrum. Think about what brings you back when you're crazy and upset: love. Come from that place. Be honest: don't use threats, use consequences.

If the person is focusing her anger or violence on someone, a third party should step up and do this stuff. Seriously, have your friends' backs when shit goes down. Meet the amped-up person where she's at, and then bring the energy down.

Ask the person to talk. Pull the person aside, out of ear shot so she doesn't feel like she is performing. Tell her she needs to...(sit down and chill for a while with you, go down by the river for a minute, etc.)
If she resists leaving the situation try saying things like, "Listen, don't make a scene, it's not the end of the world, you just really can't be here right now. Lets go for a walk and figure this shit out," or "You aren't using the greatest judgment right now and are looking sort of silly. If you come with me we can find a better way to do this"
If she is still making a fuss try saying things a little more seriously, like this: "Look. If you don't take this seriously right now, people are going to think you are an irresponsible asshole," or "You aren't going to have a good time if you stay here right now," or "Don't embarrass your friends and date, ok? If you chill out and just come with me to talk, people will respect you a lot more than if you make a big scene about it"
If she starts to walk away (like back into the house), remember this isn't a violent action. Follow her without touching her and try again -- "Hey, I'm telling you, you really need to stop walking that way. Just pause and listen to me"
If she expresses that she won't talk to you or leave, signify to your crew that you need some back-up (either have at least one other person with you already, a hand signal, a walkie talkie or something
- You might just want to show that you have a crew and then have them step back again to put you in a stronger negotiating situation but not give them an audience. In some situations, you might want some or all of your crew to stick with you from here on out
- Try having someone else from your crew talk to her (it sucks, but people usually respond much better to hearing hard stuff if it's coming from someone who shares an identity with them, so think about race, age, gender, sexuality, class, style. These things really matter)
- If she is trying to actively harm somebody or violate somebody's boundaries, get people to construct a body blockade between the violent person and everyone else. Be careful to ensure your movements are not interpreted as aggressive. Keep saying, "We don't want to fight you. It doesn't have to be like this. You are making this way worse. Just stop"
If she keeps trying to walk away (like back into the house), position your body so she can't. Keep getting in her way
If she gets in your face or expresses physical intimidation, put your hands up, palms facing her, and say something like, "Hey, this doesn't have to be like that. We don't want to fight with you," or "Fighting is bullshit, we aren't trying to fight -- we just want you to cool it and come talk to us," or "Look, fighting is totally boring. I'm not going to fight you -- that's some macho bullshit. Just come and talk over here for a minute"
If she pushes you around or initiates violence in any way, someone who knows how should immobilize her (bear hug from behind, knee swipe to get her on the ground, etc.) If one person can't get her immobilized or feels scared, ask for more back-up. At a certain point you should be able to get her to stop inflicting blows or violence, and negotiate her release
If the person has a gun, is making really serious threats, or something comes up you feel like you can't deal with, let her know you're going to call the cops. If you have to, actually call them

Weapons

If the person has any weapons, your risk of getting hurt bad goes way up. If you see a way to talk her into giving you the weapon, go for it. You had better have back-up in case you get hurt, but you might want them to step back to cool the situation down. "Look, somebody called the cops. I don't want you to go to jail behind this bullshit. I sure as hell don't want you getting a weapons charge. Let me hold that until the situation calms down, and if they do take you to jail, let me hold it until you get out"
If she has a weapon and she's threatening to hurt you with it or trying to hurt you with it, consider your risk and whether it's just time to get everybody else the fuck out of there including yourself, or whether you think it's worth it and cool with you to get hurt (or killed) as bad as they can hurt you. "You want to stab me? I'm not going to fight you, no matter what you do. I want you to let me hold the knife until this situation is over. At this point I'm just trying to save you a weapons charge and an assault with a weapon charge. Hand me the knife, let's cool it, and let's talk." Don't be a hero, use your brain and your gut feeling, and listen to your crew if they tell you it's over

Building relationships on healthful foundations

Crisis doesn't come out of nowhere. It grows out of neglect and abuse in our relationships with ourselves and each other. Most of this chapter has focused on responding to crisis, because it usually isn't until you've weathered a few crises and gotten totally sick of them that you really get serious and intentional about building truly intentional healthy relationships in your squat.

All people have similar needs -- enough good food to eat, a restful place to sleep, places and times when they know that they are safe from violence and disrespect, supportive community, meaningful work, dignity, and personal growth. A healthy squat can provide partial freedom from landlords, banks, bosses, welfare bureaucracies, drug economies, and dysfunctional families that prevented its residents from getting their needs met. But in a society structured on these inequalities, people must work actively to build healthy, respectful, and mutual relationships or they will lapse into the familiar oppressive patterns they fled.

Work together to ensure basic needs are met and that your home feels safe and secure. Address disrespectful and violent behavior and cultivate a willingness to be accountable to each other. Have a life outside the squat: everyone feels better when they do something fun, physical, or social every day, and it helps so much to have trustworthy relationships outside your squat as well as in it. Make meaningful work in the squat easy. It is important to see the house improving, and to feel a sense of collective accomplishment. Make space for squatmates to have quiet time and time alone. If your squat is overcrowded, open more squats.

Everyone needs a good balance of activity and rest. Work can mean getting out of the house to work, working on the house, and being a part of meaningful projects. Rest can mean grounding, sleep support, and hanging out without an agenda. Group meals, kitchen parties, and hanging out without an agenda help to build community. It is easier to cook for a big group of people than it is to cook for just a few people. When everybody always has to prepare their own food, battles often erupt over somebody eating somebody else's food, and eventually many people default to eating bagels and peanut butter.

When a member of your group endangers himself or other group members, help him to face the feelings and problems that drive his behavior so that he can heal. When a person in your group is in danger, help him to find a safe refuge so that he can heal and trust again. Remember that emotional and social crises arise from unmet needs or crossed boundaries: hunger/bad food, loneliness/isolation, anger/crossed boundaries, tiredness/lack of rest, traumatic stressors, and the effects of medications, alcohol, and other drugs.

Amazing crews of friends have form in squats and squatter communities. People fall in love. Long, deep, questioning conversations happen, and lead to awesome collaborations. Fun and absurd events and actions make squatmates laugh together, and working together builds your knowledge and skills.

Still many of us are deeply lonely. Many of us drink too much or smoke too much. Many of us know very little about our new friends beyond our shared experiences. Many of our relationships are unhealthy. Many of us don't know who to trust.

Good health is not about the integrity of the individual body -- good health is founded on the integrity and supportiveness of a person's relationships. These relationships are how people meet our needs, improve our environment, weather tough times, and celebrate successes and good times.

Work to recognize individuals trapped in bad situations and offer support. But also work to recognize when many of your community's relationships are based on shared stress and trauma. You can help change the foundations of the community's relationships by organizing opportunities for people to get to know each other and themselves as whole people, to have fun, to reflect on their lives before the squat or before Occupy Wall Street, and to share their most fervent hopes and dreams and their most frightening fears with each other. You can begin by taking the time to get to know your squatmates yourself.